The Zalozhniy Quartet
Tactical High Exposure Vehicular Analytics Node
THE VAN is one of the most highly advanced tactical espionage vehicles in the modern intelligence community. Every aspect of its exterior design has been calculated to camouflage its occupants and purpose, and to deter suspicion from counter-intelligence agencies. The engine is carefully tuned to resemble that of an overworked commercial vehicle, long overdue for a service and will automatically produce as much carbon monoxide and toxic gases as a significant industrial accident, whilst being reliable almost less than 50% of the time. In the highly unlikely event that a law enforcement agency team should approach THE VAN or look inside, they will encounter the sophisticated Analogue Disguise Layer (ADL). The rear storage area appears to be strewn with discarded convenience food containers, heavily soiled and often filled with cigarette butts. On one of the side panels, a small, grimy LCD screen with attached Xbox displays Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3™ 24 hours per day. The driver and passenger seating area is strategically littered with sensationalist tabloid publications with a preference of soft-core pornography. Opening THE VAN will result in immediate deployment of its final defence parameter – atmospheric conditioning. Specialist systems produce an odour that contains hallmarks of tobacco smoke, mould, gin, pizza (stale), blood, halitosis, petroleum, fungus, dog biscuits, pepper spray, Copydex and something that you hope isn’t semen. This potent cocktail of airborne deterrents was designed by behavioural psychologists to create an olfactory reaction in unconditioned humans that causes them to immediately vacate the proximity of THE VAN.